The alarm went off this morning and as my eyes opened, my chin began to wrinkle, my lip began to shake, and all the tears I had prayed would be a memory from the night before flooded right back out onto my pillow. How is it possible to wake from rest crying? How is that fair?
I pulled the covers back over my face and immediately prayed to God to stop what I already knew had started.
But God doesn’t work like that. And I’m learning that more, day by day.
“You were given life; it is your duty (and also your entitlement as a human being) to find something beautiful within life; no matter how slight.” -Eat, Pray, Love
It was all I could do to get out of bed 30 minutes later. I knew it was what Brittany would do. So I did it. I looked in the mirror at the puffiness under my eyes, threw my hair back up into a messy bun, put in my contacts, and brushed my teeth. I took one turn to head in my room to begin the next part of my morning routine and without thinking, I threw myself back into bed, sobbing all over again. Why am I crying? What is wrong with me?
I have to get up. I have to get up. I have to get up. This is what I do. Get up!
I got out of bed. My mind was made up. You will make this bed, Brittany, and you will do your workout RIGHT NOW. You NEED this! So, I put on my workout clothes, made my bed, and walked out into the living room to roll out my mat. About face. I threw myself right back onto my bed. I just CAN’T DO THIS! was all I could think.
Do you ever feel like you just can’t do it sometimes? Like the smallest, simplest, most routine tasks are immeasurably difficult? I’ve definitely felt like that before. I mean, shoot, isn’t that what Run to your Happy Place is all about? Isn’t that why I started this journey? And along the way I’ve figured out what to do on those days when I just feel heavy. When happiness feels hard.
Go for a run. Read a positive book. Enjoy some wine, cheese, and a baguette. Pray. But none of that was working for me. I have been feeling powerless.
Photo Credit- @SheWorksHisWay
After that failed attempt at starting my day, I reached out to my RTYHP Facebook family for support and started seeing an outpouring of love. I started receiving messages from friends and strangers encouraging me to get up and press on. With their encouragement, I made it to my balcony with a cup of coffee and my Bible. I listened in to a live webinar from She Works His Way all about “When God Calls Outside of your Comfort Zone.” I took notes, I looked up the verses they mentioned, and I connected deeply with what they were speaking about. I’ve recently been called way out of my comfort zone on many levels and there are times when I wake up filled with a lot of doubt about my potential. That’s human, right?! I don’t know why I was called to pack up my life here in Miami. I don’t know why I was called to step away from colorguard right now. I don’t know why I was called to move across the country, even farther from what I know. I don’t know why I’ve lost many friends in the recent months. I don’t know why I’ve been called to blog and write and do fitness and bug people with my accounts of healthy-isms. I don’t know why.
But God does. You see, there is a big picture and a big plan that we are all a part of. And this is where I’m supposed to be. Hurt, broken, puffy eyed and all. I was called to be here.
One of the most therapeutic books I have ever read (aside from the Bible) is Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. I can pick that book up on ANY given day and feel connected to her story- no matter the situation. Here’s a portion that really connected to me today:
” ‘What would I do if you never came here?’
But I was always coming here. I thought about one of my favorite Sufi poems, which says God long ago drew a circle in the sand exactly around the spot where you are standing right now. I was never not coming here. This was never not going to happen.”
Doesn’t that quote just make you go “Ahhhhh…”?!? It certainly does for me.
Although I have had my share of some tough roads recently and I’m not even sure that they’re over yet, I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be in this exact moment. I know that despite my fears and my current state of uneasiness, God’s plan is leading me to an amazing place. There truly is comfort in that. I’ve seen Him do it in my life before and I know He is up to something again.
I don’t know what the future holds, but I know the One that called me to it.
I reached out today to my RTYHP following and the words I got back in response were so powerful. Words about strength, growth, and love. Messages to keep pushing forward…don’t stop…you’ve got this. Comments letting me know how helpful I’ve been for others left me feeling humbled, yet needed. Messages from friends who know me very well and messages from complete strangers who gave me a little positive nudge today. It all meant something.
Happiness is hard. I say this all the time. And I tell you because I know first hand that happiness is a muscle you must work everyday. Just like the food from yesterday doesn’t sustain us today, our happiness from yesterday might not keep us motivated today. Whoever you are, wherever you are…you are not alone! Run on, my friend! Run to your happy place. And you know what? Sometimes that means sprinting, sometimes that means jogging. It can mean walking, for some. And if you’re anything like me, all I could do today was stand at the starting line. But at least I was facing the right direction.